A bottle of Jack and some blues.

All I want right now, nay, need ... is proper relaxation. I need to learn to kick back and go into that trance-like state that is more commonly referred to as apathy. Alas, I fear I am incapable of entirely switching off. I am plagued with this compulsion to care.

I love to be an arse because it is calming to me when I know I can play with my words and bullshit around. Sometimes, when shit is happening, you just need to speak. You might not be saying anything to anyone in particular, but you know that you feel good saying it.

I've always talked too much. It was the main problem at all my little parent-teacher meetings because, god knows I had to be perfect in school. My dad has always had this plan for how my life was supposed to turn out. I wasn't supposed to get into music and veer into a life of carelessness with no investment and no enthusiasm for formal education. I was meant to become a doctor or a lawyer - any money-making professional, really. As long as I had money, that's all that mattered. The reality is, the money I do make, I spend almost instantly. The only times I have saved money, I've spent a mass of it on guitars and things surrounding them later on. I have left school, returned, and been kicked out again the following year.

There is one outcast in my vast family, one black sheep, my cousin Alex. He taught my other cousin to play guitar quite a few years back. That one is a doctor now, but Alex is still a struggling musician of over 40 years of age with a wife and a child and not much money at all to his name. He subsequently also started me off on guitar. When I used to ask why I wouldn't hear much about Alex in my younger years, I was always told that he was a disgrace to the family for never studying and not getting anywhere. He got his O levels at 14 and nearly got kicked out of the last year of secondary at 15 because he just couldn't be fucked afterwards. Surprise surprise, here I am. Three years older than he was at the time, out of school, no real money to my name which I don't plan to spend on guitars and an extended family who still thinks I'm in school because my parents are afraid to tell them about me. At least Alex had a brother to make the family proud, I'm all my parents have.

Don't get me wrong, I want to go to University at a point, but I have a year or two until that. Doing A levels on their own won't be easy, but it's a damn sight better doing them out of school. Funny things, teaching establishments. There are a few truly amazing people that make it a proper educational experience and others who are so prone to the sit-down-shut-up-listen-to-me-and-fuck-off attitude who, it goes without saying, make it anything but.

I have plenty more things on my mind, but I must learn to avoid brooding. It's just not worth it in the end. I've always prided myself on not holding grudges, and I will stick by that. In the end, all I need, is a bottle of Jack and some blues.

Goodnight the interwebz.