Thursday, August 25, 2011

"... Oh and you're fat."

If a person admits to being a hypocrite; does it mean that they are genuinely accepting the fact that they are flawed, or are they simply unapologetic about the fact that they are? I am the first person to tell everyone to relax but, at the same time, I'm also the first person to admit that I tend to be overwhelmed by my own thoughts.

It's not life's pressure that phases me -in fact I think I work better under pressure- it's the fact that the second I realise I'm happy, my brain tells me that I'm about to fuck up. Is it overly poetic for the person always trying to tell people to lighten up and who always tries to have a smile on his face to be constantly on edge? It's not like anyone is really judging me, or if they are, it's not like their judgement actually affects me in any way, shape or form. I am my harshest judge and I can never let my own judgement go.

Earlier today I just let my mind wander for a while and at a point I just sort of lost half an hour of my life. Am I so afraid of what I have in store for myself, that I can't physically handle my own opinions and thus have to shut my own mind down? I don't remember falling asleep or waking up, just a blank spot in time that went from staring to a wall to seeing my mother hovering above me mid-sentence about how she'd been calling me for a while.

Now all I have is a vague memory of what I might have been thinking of before I blacked out and some traditional Turkish music. Oh and don't give me shit about not updating, I know I haven't. Trust me I've been beating myself up about it. One of my many nagging thoughts is, "Update your blog, you slacker. What kind of a commitment is this? You promise that you're going to update it but where are the updates? Oh and you're fat."

Good night the interwebz.