A bottle of Jack and some blues.

All I want right now, nay, need ... is proper relaxation. I need to learn to kick back and go into that trance-like state that is more commonly referred to as apathy. Alas, I fear I am incapable of entirely switching off. I am plagued with this compulsion to care.

I love to be an arse because it is calming to me when I know I can play with my words and bullshit around. Sometimes, when shit is happening, you just need to speak. You might not be saying anything to anyone in particular, but you know that you feel good saying it.

I've always talked too much. It was the main problem at all my little parent-teacher meetings because, god knows I had to be perfect in school. My dad has always had this plan for how my life was supposed to turn out. I wasn't supposed to get into music and veer into a life of carelessness with no investment and no enthusiasm for formal education. I was meant to become a doctor or a lawyer - any money-making professional, really. As long as I had money, that's all that mattered. The reality is, the money I do make, I spend almost instantly. The only times I have saved money, I've spent a mass of it on guitars and things surrounding them later on. I have left school, returned, and been kicked out again the following year.

There is one outcast in my vast family, one black sheep, my cousin Alex. He taught my other cousin to play guitar quite a few years back. That one is a doctor now, but Alex is still a struggling musician of over 40 years of age with a wife and a child and not much money at all to his name. He subsequently also started me off on guitar. When I used to ask why I wouldn't hear much about Alex in my younger years, I was always told that he was a disgrace to the family for never studying and not getting anywhere. He got his O levels at 14 and nearly got kicked out of the last year of secondary at 15 because he just couldn't be fucked afterwards. Surprise surprise, here I am. Three years older than he was at the time, out of school, no real money to my name which I don't plan to spend on guitars and an extended family who still thinks I'm in school because my parents are afraid to tell them about me. At least Alex had a brother to make the family proud, I'm all my parents have.

Don't get me wrong, I want to go to University at a point, but I have a year or two until that. Doing A levels on their own won't be easy, but it's a damn sight better doing them out of school. Funny things, teaching establishments. There are a few truly amazing people that make it a proper educational experience and others who are so prone to the sit-down-shut-up-listen-to-me-and-fuck-off attitude who, it goes without saying, make it anything but.

I have plenty more things on my mind, but I must learn to avoid brooding. It's just not worth it in the end. I've always prided myself on not holding grudges, and I will stick by that. In the end, all I need, is a bottle of Jack and some blues.

Goodnight the interwebz.

Fuck quotations, I'm not bothered.

This blog is about that ever inspiring topic of relationships.

I have had my fair share of them. I don't intend on being alone because I'm not the type of person that does well alone. I need someone in my life I believe I can trust and count on more than any other friend. Yes, we all have our friendships and I have been very fortunately blessed with many of those also, but that one relationship we need is always going to be too important to just try and do without.

I've tried speaking about love, while going through a lot of shit, on my youtube channel, but, of course, such a taboo subject is put through so much ridicule that it can't be taken seriously as a subject any more. No one can mention love or relationships in public without fearing ridicule from the great minds and thinkers of society.

I can't understand why relationships are viewed as such a liability. Yes, people risk and get hurt, but isn't that true with pretty much every other thing in life that is worth having or doing? For fuck's sake, how badly hurt do you have to be to prefer to reject any future closeness? Please, tell me, because I've been depressed and broken for years and years of my life, and I'm still looking for that closeness. Perhaps I am a complete fool. A relationship with someone in particular is supposed to be an extension of friendship. Why else would someone want to get to know someone before taking that next step? It is just ridiculous how, after getting the closeness some claim to want, they become terrified of losing it to the point where they end up over-thinking the mere foundation of the friendship within itself and end up losing it anyway.

I've seen and heard of this phenomenon happening a preposterous number of times, but it will never stop. As long as humans are humans and therefore they are ignorant and afraid of getting out of the little bubble that they think keeps them safe, most opportunities will be lost.

You may call me an opportunist, but, I'd rather be an opportunist and be turned down knowing that I tried, than a safe man in a safe relationship wondering what would have happened had I taken the risk on the person I knew I should have taken it on. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that were to happen.

Good night.

"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship." - Buddha

First thing's first, apologies for not posting in a while but I'm sure nobody cares either way so let's move on, shall we?

I've been locked up in my house for the past week seeing as I couldn't even stand up at the beginning of it due to my back acting up. My lack of health has finally caught up with me and not a minute too soon what with the operation in precisely a week. I had quite a few plans this weekend but they've all gone down the drain. It has been so bloody annoying too! My god! One minute it's completely fine, another I'm trying to scratch my epidermis off and another I'm hoping that I will be killed in some freak accident (I choose a freak accident for the attention, everyone knows I'm an attention whore). I have to be genuinely thankful for the care and interest shown to be by a great number of people about it, even sore bastards have said that I will be missed at points.

Moving on. The last thing I did do before taking a forced hiatus from the outside world is go to Earth Garden. I would explain what that is if I had an international audience, but I don't, so I won't. It was quite a grand conclusion to the days before irritation-induced seclusion. Inadvertently the many hours spent there probably caused the immediate and abrupt ending of my tolerance for my back, but enough moaning about it.

Needless to say, I've been maintaining solid contact with the outside world through electronic means and it really is a wonder why I haven't written anything on this for a while. Not like I don't have the time seeing as I do pretty much nothing all day and I barely sleep at all either, as the time stamp of this post will prove. I think it all comes down to the fact that there really is nothing in particular pushing me to update this blog except maybe some sort of competitive impulse if I notice that Ben is catching up to me in number of blog posts. I know it sounds ridiculous but it's true. I spoke with Jonathan - who writes the blog "Insight" that I link on the side - about this blog and just writing in general and he put forward the interesting point that it is a lot different writing because of inspiration and writing with deadlines. Right now, I have followed neither of those. My deteriorating health isn't a help in the inspiration front and, as far as I'm concerned at this moment, fuck deadlines.

This is what an insomniac rambling looks like.

Good morning the interwebz.

I'll post something worth reading eventually.